Let’s Talk Shame, Not Just Trauma
Shame isn’t the same as trauma. Trauma shouts “something bad happened to me.” Shame whispers “I am bad.” Too often, therapy highlights trauma symptoms and misses shame—the silent voice that says you’re unworthy of connection, love, or belonging.
Shame Lives at the Heart of Attachment Wounds
Early attachment ruptures (neglect, criticism, or inconsistency) don’t just hurt. They become emotional memories that say, “Not enough.” Shame is the shadow of those wounds, buried in how we show up and, more critically, how we hide.
Research confirms insecure attachments like anxious‑preoccupied or fearful, are significantly linked to shame sensitivity, especially among LGBTQ+ folks or those navigating intersectional identities. Shame’s power lies in its secrecy. As Brené Brown teaches, it thrives in silence: “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.” Because it lives quietly—rooted in self-judgment—it often fuels self-erasure, perfectionism, and emotional collapse rather than stepping into care or safety.
How Shame Shapes Attachment Patterns
Anxious attachment + shame: You over-give, seeking reassurance you don’t feel.
Avoidant attachment + shame: You pull back, protecting a self you believe is unlovable.
These strategies serve as emotional armor, but they disconnect you from authentic connection. Shame activates the same deep emotional centers that light up threat and fear, part of the limbic system’s survival wiring. This isn’t a moral failing. It’s a protective reflex. One that can be rewired with connection and intention.
Healing Shame Through Attachment
Here’s how we begin to shift from shame to safety:
Name it: Saying “This is shame” gives voice to the invisible—and that voice softens what once haunted you.
Reparent with compassion: What would your younger self need to feel seen? We bring that presence to therapy.
Lean into safe attunement: Healing shame happens in embodied safety, not isolation.
Shame keeps many high achievers in hiding (leadership women, caregivers, professionals) who feel seen but not seen. When healing shame becomes part of your work, you don't just survive. You lead from a full, safe self.
Resources for Deeper Work
Explore comfort beyond shame in Attachment in Interpersonal Relationships.
Try applications from my Attachment Style Makeover Workbook—shame repair begins with inner reflection.
Brené Brown’s shame resilience philosophy: Shame thrives in silence. Empathy shrinks it. PositivePsychology.com
Linking attachment styles with shame: Preoccupied and fearful types are most prone to shame's grip. Quod Libumich
You Don’t Have to Fix Shame Alone
Shame doesn’t weaken you, it signals places where you're still fighting to matter. But shame, unlike trauma, can warp self-worth. Healing it is deeper than coping. It's about remembering your aliveness.
If you're done hiding and ready to heal that part of you, let's talk.
Click here to book a consult or explore using the Attachment Style Makeover Workbook as a stepping stone.
SOURCES:
The Attachment Project. (2023). Attachment styles and stress responses. https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/attachment-styles-and-stress-responses
The Attachment Project. (2023). Earned secure attachment: Is change possible? https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/earned-secure-attachment
Wright, K. (2023, July 13). Do attachment styles change over time? A neuroscience‑backed look at earned security. Medium. https://medium.com/@attachmentstyles/do-attachment-styles-change-over-time-a-neuroscience-backed-look-at-earned-security-6fda761c5792
Anonymous study (2025). Association Between Attachment Styles and Shame Proneness. PubMed. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/40705970
